Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Yoga and my dismantling

I am officially into my fifth week of Ashtanga Yoga Training. By the 26th of this very month I will be a certified Ashtanga instructor. To say I went into this training blindly would be an understatement. I have been practicing yoga for such a long time, yet the more I learn and focus my attention on controlling my breath, my body, my mind.. the more I have realized how little control I had and how judgmental I am of myself.

With every twist and bind I put myself in, I release this stored energy I have contained. All of my self loathing, self-centeredness, fear, pain.... all of it has started to surface, through my eyes. I have actually cried more in the last few weeks than I have allowed myself to cry in a few years.

I am being dismantled and peeled open. Constantly having to remind myself that if I am unable to bring myself into a steady Utthita Hasta Padanghusthasna (Hand to Big Toe Posture), to be kind to myself. Ill get there. This is part of the journey.

At the beginning of my training, we were all asked to write down what yoga is to us. I wrote that it was the union of my mind and body, a journey, etc. What is yoga to me now? It is my rebirth. It is re-programming myself into being a loving, compassionate person. Someone who makes good decisions and is kind to herself, to others. It is losing the judgment. The self-loathing. The fear.. and allowing myself to soar past boundaries and walls that I have created.

This is just the beginning.